May 28th 2008 - This is how it is!

I have thousands of memories falshing on my mind and I'm fiding this day way difficult than any to go through on this day of the year! May 28.. The reason I started a new blog is to pen down all the pain that I will go through when you left me alone in this world. I don't really remember the date you left me alone. I really didn't make a note because I thought we were on a fight. I was not gonna belive it even if you had told me by yourself. My faith was so strong on our relationship. I just needed some proof here and there which I never got at the right time. Our relationship was growing well and we were moving further so very well.




It was those few days where we lost the grip on each other. The days we never met. The days we never spoke much. Even if I was the reason for everything that happened, you didn't have to leave me alone like this, because everytime something bad happened we were finding each other's arms as the last resort. I'm sure you'll remember the mail which you had sent me once for leaving you alone on a night without switching on my phone. You told me that you were literally gasping to breath that night. I don't know how you could you even imagine my emotions about how I'd be feeling every night without you. Don't think I'm used to all this that. All this i meant, NOT SEEING YOU, NOT HEARING FROM YOU! Everytime I wanna see you, I look at myself into the mirror and I look deep into my eyes & I see you. Everytime I wanna listen to you I close my eyes and I be with my silence and I'd listen to your voice.




I remember the time we last met. It was on a rainy day. I came to see ONLY YOU for which you suspected me. I was able see that in your eyes. I was so hurt that day. I was terribly hurt like the way you were hurt. But I wanted to make things work. I didn't go back to my family even they were so supportive. You never gave me a chance to even explain how much pain that I'll go through if you are not around in my life. I thought your presence was my strength. My belief didn't prove me wrong.


Yeah, I felt I was a hallow soul without your presence.

You were surrounding me every minute with your thoughts. You were my atmosphere. I was breathing you. All of a sudden I find it dark and there is no breeze around. I can't even see anything. I'm not breathing. I don't like being like this, I don't want you to be the reason for my hurt. For what we have for each other this is also beyoond our imaginations.

Like the way I never imagined in mt life that I'll ever get to meet someone like you. But I acutally did. I never imagined that I'll be able to introduce you to my family so soon that we hardly knew each other. I simply believed in the bonding. I believed in you. I never imagined that I'll ever get to love someone so much. I never ever imagined that I'd ever miss someone so much. I never imagined that I'd get to through such a tough time of 6 months without seeing you. Did we even imagine that we'd not be together on our first year anniversary the moment we looked into each other's eyes the very first day we met!! I still believe!!!






I'm not calling this my fate! I'm not calling this my bad time. All that I know is that we went apart so that we will meet again! I promise you that I'll be praying hard to see you again in my life and I promise you that these eyes of mine will look at you the way when they first saw you!

With Love !


Aksie as u know me! Karthik Ravi as how I met you!
I'm all of you!!

A path which never ends!!

i have walked this road before and it seemed lonely too
i haven't felt that way though ever since i met you
the road hasn't changed but the feeling seems wrong
i will be walkin this road with you but not for long!

you numbed my senses, you dried my tears
now that your leaving, you dug up my fears
have you thought about how it will be?
surviving this world without you near me!

you chose your path, am still on this road
my shoulders are heavy, so is the load
your path maybe different, but we travel the same
hope our paths merge into one beautiful lane!

With the Shadows....

Busy Streets
Stranger's Talk
Tall buildings
Peaceful Walk

Crowded Buses
Your favourite seat
Train Stations,
Gentlemens dressed so neat

Work hours so long
Breaks too short
Timings so unfair
Nothing really taught

Beautiful Evenings
Pointless talk
Cozy Bed
Comfy shoes

Soft Kisses
Endless Calls
Food marathon
Strolling Malls

Meals to eat
Work to do
Researching studies
Friends Old & New

Long Playlist
Soft melodies
Whispers of Goodnight
Endless lullabies

Here At home
I feel all alone
I'm missing you..
Knowing that you're gone..

I Wrote, Wrote, Wrote & I Wrote...

My dearest Tummy Girl,

Hope you're doing better now. Its been 6 odd months since I've heard from you. Its only our photographs which gives me those lost smiles of mine. I've been trying to talk to you. I've been trying, trying, trying trying and trying to get in touch with u somehow.. But no one seems to be helping me out.. I know tat its my responsibility, I even wrote you a 50 post cards and none were responded.. I don't even know if they reached you..

I saw you couple of times with mom.. U still looked worried about something.. I'm not in your life anymore.. I'm just watching you live.. Baby girl we're meant to be together.. I'll let you go now.. But you'll have to come back to me.. I'll be waiting for the day baby and I'll smile at you with a lot of JOY...

Its not what they want, Its not what I want.. Its all about what you want baby...

I know what you want and only we can make things work!! For all the good times we had together!! I pray and wish to GOD that all the good things which were supposed to happen should happen anytime soon and I should hold my babie girl's hands no matter what happens!!

I'M waiting for the day!!

I LOVE YOU and I'll always will!! Thats the reality!!

Come back soon! I'm still waiting!!


Love, Aks!

Why are u running Away???

I don't want you, to give it all up
And leave your own life, collecting dust
And I don't want you, to feel sorry for me
You never gave us, a chance to be

And I don't need you, to be by my side
To tell me, that everything's alright
I just wanted you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

Cause I did enough, to show you that I
Was willing to give, and sacrifice
And I was the one, who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough

And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that, I can do
To make you, change your mind

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Tell me the truth so that I can live!!

Shut me up someone!

'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above

....... Yeah Seriously Nothing...

You don't have to say a word
I can see it in your eyes
I know what you wanna say
It's so hard to say goodbye

I can hold back my tears
And try to be strong
While our love is fallin' apart
I know what I'll say
If you walk away
But what do I do
What do I do with my heart?

I'm not gonna say a word
I know I can't change your mind
You know where you need to go
I know I'll be left behind

I won't hold you back
I won't stand in your way
If you need to make a new start
But I still wanna know
When my arms let you go

Oh, girl, don't you remember?
It was not so long ago
We were making plans for two
Just me and you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell me you're not leavin' now
Tell me you're not leavin'
Tell me that you're gonna stay
Please say you'll stay with me, baby
Tell me that you love me still
Say you love me still
For this and this alone I pray
Fall down on my knees and pray

I'll do anything
Yes, I would
To save what we have
To keep you by my side
I'll love you 'til death do us part
But what do I do
What do I do
When I'm still missing you?
What do I do
What do I do with my heart?

...... No no Nothing.....

Another day without your smile !!
Another day just passes by !!
But now i know how much it means !!!
For you to stay right here with me !!
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger !!!
But it hurts so bad i can't take it any longer!!

A thousand miles between us now !!
It causes me to wonder how !!
Our love tonight remains so strong !!
It makes our risk right all along !!

Things can come and go!!
I know but !!!
Baby I believe !!
Something's burning strong between us !!
Makes it clear to me !!

I wanna grow old with you !!
I wanna die lying in your arms !!
I wanna grow old with you !!
I wanna be looking in your eyes !!
I wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do !!
I wanna grow old with you !!

My imaginary Mind!

How bad it has been, How lonely I've been.. Even though I've spent lonely time umpteen times in my life before, never felt the depth of being alone so much.. I'm not here to complain, I'm here to puke and dust away all the fears and worries that has been choking me every minute. Why am I pushed to such a situation that I'm not able to do anything right. I'm not able to make a decision, really don't know why?! My education is still in question because I've not decided anything. I haven't taken a step ahead to take it anymore further. I'm just stuck here in this BPO and getting paid enough. I know that its gonna do " No good" for my carrier. Last saturday I actually realised that I had no one except for myself. I got back home after a long day and my body was hurting as if I was hammered all over the body. I didn't wanna bother my aunt and granny just knowing the fact that they were growing old. So I thought I'll leave them alone at peace, bought some food for myself & I was finding it so difficult to move myself to the terrace with the bed spread and some cushions. I somehow managed to set myslelf on the terrace and the cool wind was so pleasing to my whole body, yet I was getting so stressed with the body ache. I turned on the music and played some soft rock and it was soothing my mind for a while. I was wondering why I wasn't feeling sleepy. I was wondering why there isn't anyone to ask me if I had something to eat. But for a moment I thought I really don't need anyone. I've wasted so many weekends doing nothing but this weekend was quite hurting. I wasn't happy at all. I felt like as if I was cursed. I wanted to scream out loud that I'm missing someone, but no strength. My phone was on silent. I didn't wanna bother anyone. I've been breaking other people's privacy fence and i've been ruining their peace with my sulky things. As I was lying down on the cushions, I rested my head to the floor and I was starring at the sky. The breeze was getting firm and I was feeling cold. The music went deep down my head and it got lost in my worries. I was so very weak that I wasn't able to get up and stop the music. I somehow managed to reduce the volume and it was playing " Nothing else matters- Metallica" at the background. I was in depression. As the time went by I realised that the food which I had bought was getting cold but I was too lasy to eat as well, but my stomach was grumbling, I got up and served myself and I somehow finished eating with a lots of difficulties.

I was making myself comfortable to stare at the sky again, by the time the moon wasn't that bright. I was feeling really low and started thinking how far I've come in life. I haven't done anything meaningful except for keeping my folks happy in all the possible ways, but they're still worried about my happiness and I have no idea how i'm gonna full-fill that desire for them.\I lost lot of things in life at a very short span of time & everything seemed like a beautiful little dream. If i knew that it was a dream I would have never got up from that sleep! The moment She left me and the moment I started spending time alone, everything seemed so dark. I was so lost. I've even stared at this sky with her. I've even counted stars under this same sky. I even remember the way I took her here for the first time. She was wearing a purple Salwar and looked so beautiful, I can still see her ripples that used to come on her forehead whenever there was heavy breeze. I still remember the way I helped her climbing the water tank & I can even smell her perfume in this air. I could even sense her presence sometimes in this place. I'm so alone and I'm so sure that I love her so much. I
haven't had this feeling ever before in my life and I'm not bothered about anything else in my life now. All that matters much to me is the name " Aparna" and that person had affected my life so much. Never knew that she would stay with my in my " Memories". I just wanted to see it expanding a bit and mean " Aparna Karthik". I'm sure that I'll do really well in my life if she is around. I'm sure that I wouldn't be able to express my 100% if shez not gonna be around. I would remain a loss to this world. I wanna stand on top & I wanna touch the sky. It seemed so easy & I had to the ability to carry this whole big sky in my arms, but I'm feeling so weak and numb that I'm not able to feel anything! In sometime I realised that I had tears in my eyes and my back was numb. I couldn't move an inch & it was 1:00 am. It was so silent and I slowly got up from the bed. I took my phone & I rolled the bed spread , I starting walking back. Belive it or not I heard her voice calling me " Aksie, Why are you leaving me alone here???" ........... I stopped & I didn't turn back. I wasn't scared, I knew she was there. I knew she was right there with all the cute expressions on her face. I knew she'd run back and hug me so tight. All this would happen in my imaginations!


She is living in my memories. She always will...

Heavy heart!!

What am I doing?

You give your resignation letter at you first job and get back home with no worries???

What am I doing??

Staying up to listen to someone just cuz u liked talking to them??

What am I doing??

You don't even know that someone..

What am I doing??

You are not worried about anything in life now!!!!

What am I doing??

You smile to see tat scrap from that someone?!?!!

What am I doing??

You said you are not gonna get close to anyone?!?!

What am I doing?!?!

You thought you'll never like anything from anyone?!

What am I doing??

You are crazy!!!!

Where is this going??

NoWHERE!!!


So yeah .. I've put down my papers at work.. Yeah felt so heavy after doing it... I was collecting these ordianry work related print outs and that's what they thought.. .but I took out my " resignation letter " How sad.. Its a loss for them you see.. apparently for me as well :) So yea.. Some better carrer move..

Life has to move on..

Ada pongapaa!!!

Dont judge anyone!!

For you!!!

Do not judge anyone just because you know everything in life. The one you've met maybe just one of a kind!!

All in good times!! 

God bless!!!!

Ada poongapaa!!

Yeah break me when im lonesome!!

Dont blame anyone!!! They'll change :)

Another piece of Random S**T

It's high time I should do something about my randomness.. I'm living my life so randomly that I haven't come across one good thing so far in the past three months.. Good thing for me is = An awesome day, an awesome day for me is getting all I wanted.. "All" for me is " Someone who could make me laugh, someone who can stand my non-stop talks, someone who can have lunch with me, someone who can come go out with me without any reason, someone who can bear all this randomness..

This reminds me of the song

Might sound too much for asking.. But, " This is what the Reality".. This is what I want..


"Oru naalil varkai ingay yengum oodi pogathu
Maaru naalum vanthu vittal thunbam thedi thodaRadhu..
yethanai koodi kanneer mann mithu vizhruthirukkum
athanai kanda pinum pommi ingu poo pookum

Pozkalathil piranthu vittom vanthadhavai ponnavai varutham illai..
kaatrinilay vazhgindrom muzkkalin valli ondrum maaranam illai..
irutinilay nee nadakayillai un nizrallum unnai vittu villagividum..
nee mattum thaan intha ullagathilay unakku thunnai yendru villainge_vidum..
theeyodu pogum varaiyiL theerathu intha thanimaii..
kaarai varum neram paarthu karppalil kaathirupom..
yerimalai vanthal kooda yerri nindru poRz thoduppom.

adu yennakku ethu unnakku ithayagaL podum thani kannakku..
aval yennakku ival unnakku udagalum podum puthir kannakku..
unnakkum illai inthu yennakkum illai paadaiththaavaanai ingu yedduthu kollvan..
nallavar yaar ada kettavar yaar kadaisiyiL avanay mudivu seyivaan..
pazRi podum ullagam ingay balliyanna uyirgal yengayaay..
ullagathiL Oram nindru athanaiyum paarthirupom..
nadapavai nadagam yendru namum senndhu nadithirupom..



>Movie :- Pudhupettai

>Music : - Yuvan


Seriously.. This song has lot of meaning and it's very much attached somehow to everyone's life.. But no one realises it..

Ok.. What was I sayin?? Yeah randomness.. I know how to stop this for now..

Music is the only way..

Hey, I guess there is a video on you-tube about vijay.. I think even he's pissed about something..

After all.. We have only one brain.. :) But how come everyone's thoughts sink together atleast once in their lifetime?? Don't call it " Co- incidence"...

Life is just Randomn.,..

Random"ing off......

Karthik :)

~ Never done this before ~

 Hey missed you all...

I had some bad experiences in the past few days... Like few days ago I had a bad day at work & ended up with a bad headache & day before I wasn't feeling so well the whole day & the very next day I wanted to get drunk after such a Long ( Long with a capital " L " ) time.. 

I was talking to this DJ girl who supposed to be an acquaintance and we turned to be really good friends ( If that's what I'm saying) and this girl plays music in hawana.. We haven't met like personally and all that.. But this time I was so very drunk already but she wanted to see me still, I knew that I'll make it somehow and yeah I went to see her... 

For her eyes I was looking like a 16 year old who was drunk.. I wasn't really feeling comfortable & we sat near the parking lot and we wanted to smoke.. We were talking yet and I was making her uncomfortable with my stupid talks and all of SUDDEN my stupid mind works weird and I actually asked her if she wanted to stay out ( No intentions at all ). I was feeling alone and wanted someone to talk with.. 

How stupid have I been? I'm hating this part of the life!!!! 

But, still life just goes on!!!

I need a change!!

ITS 22.03 and I don't wanna sleep!!!

Here to Apologize!!!

I'm so damn sorry that I missed out posting something on this weekend!! I was occupied with a lot of things and hey infact it was  " Oru nalla weekend ".. Btw to continue my previous i need konjam tima cuz I wanted to post what I exctly felt.. I'm leaving for work now and I was missing this so badly... Now I'm feeling " Apaada" I wrote something.. I wanna spend my own special time posting something here..

Oru good news.. A person likes my voice, the way I look, My hair, the way I dress & even the way I express myself... Never knew and thought Love was the last thing I had.. But this girl is in love with me... 

I'l react in my own sweet time.. Adhu varaikum konjam patience... I'm leaving now!! 

Poitu Varen..

Karthik!!! 

Hey, No matter what happens! I'm living with my memories still.. Please.. That makes me!

Face to Face with My memories!

It wasn't that difficult travelling alone, from the time I left home I was thinking only one thing.. Will I be able to face all the beautiful torture(The Memories) that I was gonna face..

The Train journey as usual turned out to be so hilarious and interesting at the same time.. It was some couple( 40 odd yr old ) from Pune and their love for each other was all over.. It wasn't difficult for me figuring it out, in that two tier A/c coach, he was holding her hands all the time, should look at that female's eyes full of happiness and cheers!



It was time for me to get down and I got down around 5 in the morning.. Kodaikanal was freezing.. I had booked tickets for the hill train and it was cancelled for some reason.. Some foreign travellers were upset and I told them it would save some time for them if they travel by car. They were only " OKAY " with it, that attitude told me how much they wanted to travel on the hill train.

While going with them in the car, I was taken aback that these guys were smoking weed as if it was some herbal product they liked the smell, they liked the smoke hitting their brain, but none looked they were stonned! I went " Aggghhhhh???!?!?!? " One of them even mentioned that they don't wanna get back to their norm life!

My car was waiting for me and I was so excited and HUNGRY!! I reached the resort and made myself so comfortable!!! It was 10.30 in the morning and I didn't have any bit of stress from the journey..

I took the car and it was so much fun driving your car in that city.. No signals, No smokes and you sure won't find any scratches on your car!! I connected the USB to the music system and it didn't read, Luckily I had some CD's with me.. I got lost in the music once again! :)

The moment I reached the restaurant- Memories flashed..

The Last time I was eating here, I wasn't interested in the food but was waiting for her call or message asking me to come to the place she was going to!!!

Somehow I managed to eat before the memories could eat my head!! I took my car again and drove to " Cooaker's walk". The First time I saw her on the rocks :) :) :) Memories!

Both of us were so curious to see each other and smile at each other!! But we missed out the timing but when you guys were clicking your pictures, you were only looking at me..
It was such a lovely place when u were around but looked all haunted this time....








I clicked some pictures there, ate " Sundal".. Bagged something for myself and family...
Reached my room again!!

Did I tell you where I was staying?? " The Green Acres Resort" Even though I wasn't there when you were around I was able to imagine your presence and I still remember the way you told me that you are " Feeling Cold "

How Will I ever Forget your voice?!?!?!

It was the fresh green lawn, the mist and the cold .. Cheering me up & I was living with all my heart......

I'm stopping right here for the first half of the day, I gota leave for work in sometime.. Thinking of writing about this.. I might end up bunking work.. I so love her memories!!!

Will be back at this soon!!

Bye now!

:)

Here I come again - Chennai..

Hey world..

I just got back home & I couldn't resist myself that I had a wonderful time for the past three days.. 

It would for sure take some time for me to get out this unique surprise.. 

My system some rest now.. I'll come back soon to share each and every single minute I spent in Kodai!!!

Hope you're doing good!!

Cheers!!!

Karthik :)

The Trains should depart in another hour or so..

I'm sitting here on my bean bag & listening to Craig David's - "I'm walking Away".

I'm feeling so relaxed and I could sense my whole mind at ease...

Not just beacuse of the fact that I know that I'm gonna have a long weekend..

There is no rushing things at all.. I got my stuff packed.. Just gota freshen up and put on my shoes & leave home with a smile.. :) :) 

I might wanna smoke after such a long time.. My inhibitions are not quite sure.. So let me 

confess-only if I Did!!!

& hey once again world.. I wanna wish everyone A Very Happy Valentines day!!

They say flowers & words are the best ways of expressing your emotions!!!!!

Convey it & Treasure the memories...

Let me see what I'll have here when I get back home...

Maybe my phone bill on my desk?! Lol.. I don't really have to think about all that now!!

I'l be back soon!!

See ya world!

Signing off!!

Karthik.

Valentine's Day :) :)

& all that comes with it.. Cupid has been nice to me every other time.. It goes for a vacation every winter..

This February I'm going to Kodaikanal, for the own peace of my mind.. After all this is a much deserved break for me.. No phone calls, No work, No client Calls, No mid-night nightmares, No polluted road for the next three to 5 days...

Kodaikanal is the better place to be alone.. For a guy like me all that I'd need is a CAR( Thanks Dhanu) A camera, Some cash and confirmed train tickets..

Oh yeah.. Talking about the train journey.. I'm not gonna forget this trip for sure.. Infact the last time I went to kodaikanal was for a total different reason.. This time its the other extreme..

Things change you see.. I'm just wondering if I should stay in Green Acres Resort...

Oh dear God.. I'm gonna love each & every minute there.. I'm gonna celebrate my love.. I'm gonna celebrate with my memories...

I'm sure not sad.. But my heart is sinking in the thoughts that I'm gonna go through..


Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!!

Make the most.. Do something beautiful to your beloved ones!!

For me, its just the mist, fog, the lake and myself :)

I'm loving it...


Signing off me :)

I was over the phone with her for like an hour.... I was so pleased... She didn't talk a word.. Neither Did I.. The phone was kept down at the other end... I heard her talk to her mum & sister.. She was laughing ( its been two months since I heard her voice talking, laughing & commenting on someone).. I was so happy to listen to her voice.. So loving :)

I hereby sit and grasp those lovely moments I had with her..


Where is that girl, who used to clap her hands in joy at the thought of meeting me?
Where is that girl, whose hair was all was required to make me stare in silence?
Where is that girl whose hug could kill all pain, all sorrow, and bring joy to my heart?
Where is that girl, for whom talking to me was an addiction, not a chore?
Where is that girl, for whom I could gather the stars and hunt down the sun and moon?
Where is that girl, who used to dig her head into my shoulder and say nothing, and didn't have to?
Where is that girl who could force me into silence with nothing more than a touch?
Where is that girl who is like the cool summer breeze, blown in from the sea?
Where is my Ambie girl?
Wherever she is, I hope she is happy. That is all I've ever wanted for her.

As for me, I will live in her memory for as long as I am alive. In my heart, she is mine.
And nobody will ever take her place. Ever. And Ambie girl, you would not understand why I did the things I did, or said the things I said. Some day you might. Until then, I wait;


My heart forever belonging to you.


Aks!! Forever