December 26, 2008

Down in DistressDown in Distress!!!

Down in Distress!!!

 

Im stressed, Im un-well, Im going crazy. I won't know what i'll be doing without an answer. Answer which I've been waiting from the one I thought who'll be here today listening to my randomness. My room is so messy, I can sense the turmoil caused by my depression.My bed is a mess.My pillows have lost their cozy feeling, I know how much  they're missing the tender hands which would put them in their proper place. Im sitting here in my bean bag,not so comfortable. Im clutching my toes, clenching my teeth. My eyes are red.Im long gone dead inside. Im standing on a cliff, its breezing as if the mountain would move by an inch. My legs are trembling.I can see the Eagles above my head having a much longer, more heavily barred beak , spotted legs and an all-white head. .. Nothing would move me from the cliff, even if I stand at my toe end with my arms wide open, I know that I wouldn't fall down..But, I hate this feeling. How long have I been happy that I have almost lost the meaning for the words " Hurt", " Tears", " Sad", "Alone", " Television", "MOM", " DAD", ", "SISTER", “ Friends” (few exceptions though). I was all about her.. She was giving meaning for everything in life..Yeah.. Maybe that’s why I m able to satnd on this cliff with so many things on my head.

 

Right from the word go.. She was there with me every other second.. Words were the only strength for me now.. Her hands which used to be on my fore-head and take away all my “ HURT” ( Yeah, now i know the meaning, before it used to be just a “ Head-ache”). Those lovely lips which would tell me not to worry about anything in life, that smile on her face which would go against anything to this end of the world and bring a smile on my face.. Those hands again which wouldn’t leave me alone even if it was the only option left..that voice which would ask me to sleep and miss her at the same time..

 

I was someone who never had any big desires in life.. I used to live on my dreams.. I was a day-dreamer.. I had none but myself right from the day I was called a “ Kid”.

I was a loner. I had no option than watching “ The Popeye’s Show” & “ Road Runner” . I collected gadgets. I started writing a lot. Books were my only companian. I became a fan of Cricket. I wanted to play. I represented 1st Division India Pistons Ltd. I was so all alone that I hve not missed  even a day’s session. I realised that Cricket wasn’t my kind. Always heard from Ravi Shastri “ This is Cricket & Anything can happen”. That dude scared the shit out of me.I quit cricket.Couldn’t stop watching though.Fell in “love” ( What a feeling??!?!?!?) I was flying for a while in school. I used to look like a kid & thats the only thing “ My first love” liked about me. It has to end( come on , “first love”) I graduated from college.. No friends as such.Learnt how to smoke( seriously not the impact from my “ First love”). Liked it too. Wanted to try my hand on drinking too. Called myself a social drinker. Met Orkut. Got addicted(Orkut).  All alone again. Music accompanied me throughout my life.You sound  so good when you sing( thats what my “college friends” told me). Won titles for singing. Was a part of Airtel super Singer. My ears were more keen on the guitar notes. Wanted to know how they make music. Learnt guitar. Quit smoking. Bought one for myself(guitar). Played it like everyday. Got addicted. Tried my hand on photography too. I was so damn good( learnt self-praising too). Shared my pictures with online friends. Period.

 

It was time for my Dad to give me lectures on my carrier. Where did he come from?( I was asking myself ) . Very next day walked in for an interview. Got a job( WTF?)

BPO it is. Late night work. Staying up late wasn’t something new. I had to use my phone. For the Cab pick up. Apple gadget I-pod was launched( in my pocket). Tidel park. Work environment. I was a professional. ID CARD. Cubicle. Desktop. Same old colleague. Disturbing centralised A/c. Again I had to start the learning process. Learnt how to hit numbers, to be a good team player, talking to clients. I was given a post( I also knew that was a “ Brain Teaser” ). Trust me, any company for that matter, you’re given a post. they’re literally blocking your future with a 200 feet tall compound wall. You won’t be able to see anything. BPO isn’t my track. I’ve been telling myself. Im still working. But would quit anytime.

 

Came acros a lot of people. A lot of new faces. Everyother day. I got used to it. Orkut was still my favourite pastime. Online friends are so disgusting. Few are real- worth meeting. Haven’t met any.

 

 

One Day.....

 

One Day I Found....

A girl who could sing to me

and hold me...                           

A girl who could tell me things

the way I do...

A girl who could read me thoughts

way before I could read it myself

A girl who could make me feel

that I’m wanted,

and is the only one important...

A girl who would call me her "number ONE"

and mean it at the same time...

A girl who would listen to me singing again and again

and wont get tired...

A girl who could smile at me,

and tell me that "Everything's gonna be OK",

because she is there right behind me...

A girl who would never let him,

stand alone on that cliff...

A girl who could dance with me,

flow with me,

who could follow my lead...

A girl who could just be with him,

and know his silence...

A giel who could appreciate the way I think,

and add to it, her own bit...

A girl who could cry ,

if I had tears...

A girl who would never leave me alone,

even if that's the only option left...

A girl who will understand me and

give me the time I need...

A girl who would never come infront of me,

but be by my side...

A girl who could sit with me,

under the stars and dream with me...

A girl who could know when I smile,

without my heart...

A girl who could look into my eyes,

and tell me that she loves me and MEANS IT!!

A girl who is totally "Meherbaan",

and is more like my reflection,

only that this reflection doesn't leave me ,

even in the dark...

A girl who is mine and is proud to be that...

A girl who could be crazy about me

and who kept telling this to me every time...

A girl who would never mind holding my hand,

in front of a crowd of known faces...

A girl who could tell the whole world that,

I was her “super-man”

A gir lwho could laugh with me...

and sense my fears...

A girl who could make me strong...

A girl who could actually make me,

give her cute little nicknames. (Ambie girl)

A girl who could be with me for hours,

without talking ,

and both of us could still feel,

it was the best conversation ever.

A girl I always dreamt of...

A girl whom I could never picturise...

A girl whose certain bits I found in different people,

but thought that I could never come across her, practically.

A girl who could stand with me on the terrace,

as high as if we could touch the sky

and hum that song together, they both so liked.

I had a lot of dreams

and she colored it with reality...

 

I was this sunflower, colorless, dull & dry and one day I found my “ SUN”

 

With all my love - ( U’re telling me its over?? )

 

Yeah....Ok.. I love You!!!!!

 

I wish i could sleep...

 

Love your memories though J

 

Cant thank you enough!!!!!

 

Aks.

 

 

1 comment:

  1. wow!!so touchin!!!almost moved me to tears!!gud luck karthick!!

    ReplyDelete