April 24, 2009

I Wrote, Wrote, Wrote & I Wrote...

My dearest Tummy Girl,

Hope you're doing better now. Its been 6 odd months since I've heard from you. Its only our photographs which gives me those lost smiles of mine. I've been trying to talk to you. I've been trying, trying, trying trying and trying to get in touch with u somehow.. But no one seems to be helping me out.. I know tat its my responsibility, I even wrote you a 50 post cards and none were responded.. I don't even know if they reached you..

I saw you couple of times with mom.. U still looked worried about something.. I'm not in your life anymore.. I'm just watching you live.. Baby girl we're meant to be together.. I'll let you go now.. But you'll have to come back to me.. I'll be waiting for the day baby and I'll smile at you with a lot of JOY...

Its not what they want, Its not what I want.. Its all about what you want baby...

I know what you want and only we can make things work!! For all the good times we had together!! I pray and wish to GOD that all the good things which were supposed to happen should happen anytime soon and I should hold my babie girl's hands no matter what happens!!

I'M waiting for the day!!

I LOVE YOU and I'll always will!! Thats the reality!!

Come back soon! I'm still waiting!!

Love, Aks!

April 17, 2009

Why are u running Away???

I don't want you, to give it all up
And leave your own life, collecting dust
And I don't want you, to feel sorry for me
You never gave us, a chance to be

And I don't need you, to be by my side
To tell me, that everything's alright
I just wanted you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

Cause I did enough, to show you that I
Was willing to give, and sacrifice
And I was the one, who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough

And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you, to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that, I can do
To make you, change your mind

So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Tell me the truth so that I can live!!

Shut me up someone!

'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above

....... Yeah Seriously Nothing...

You don't have to say a word
I can see it in your eyes
I know what you wanna say
It's so hard to say goodbye

I can hold back my tears
And try to be strong
While our love is fallin' apart
I know what I'll say
If you walk away
But what do I do
What do I do with my heart?

I'm not gonna say a word
I know I can't change your mind
You know where you need to go
I know I'll be left behind

I won't hold you back
I won't stand in your way
If you need to make a new start
But I still wanna know
When my arms let you go

Oh, girl, don't you remember?
It was not so long ago
We were making plans for two
Just me and you

Tell me you're not leavin' now
Tell me you're not leavin'
Tell me that you're gonna stay
Please say you'll stay with me, baby
Tell me that you love me still
Say you love me still
For this and this alone I pray
Fall down on my knees and pray

I'll do anything
Yes, I would
To save what we have
To keep you by my side
I'll love you 'til death do us part
But what do I do
What do I do
When I'm still missing you?
What do I do
What do I do with my heart?

...... No no Nothing.....

Another day without your smile !!
Another day just passes by !!
But now i know how much it means !!!
For you to stay right here with me !!
The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger !!!
But it hurts so bad i can't take it any longer!!

A thousand miles between us now !!
It causes me to wonder how !!
Our love tonight remains so strong !!
It makes our risk right all along !!

Things can come and go!!
I know but !!!
Baby I believe !!
Something's burning strong between us !!
Makes it clear to me !!

I wanna grow old with you !!
I wanna die lying in your arms !!
I wanna grow old with you !!
I wanna be looking in your eyes !!
I wanna be there for you, sharing everything you do !!
I wanna grow old with you !!

My imaginary Mind!

How bad it has been, How lonely I've been.. Even though I've spent lonely time umpteen times in my life before, never felt the depth of being alone so much.. I'm not here to complain, I'm here to puke and dust away all the fears and worries that has been choking me every minute. Why am I pushed to such a situation that I'm not able to do anything right. I'm not able to make a decision, really don't know why?! My education is still in question because I've not decided anything. I haven't taken a step ahead to take it anymore further. I'm just stuck here in this BPO and getting paid enough. I know that its gonna do " No good" for my carrier. Last saturday I actually realised that I had no one except for myself. I got back home after a long day and my body was hurting as if I was hammered all over the body. I didn't wanna bother my aunt and granny just knowing the fact that they were growing old. So I thought I'll leave them alone at peace, bought some food for myself & I was finding it so difficult to move myself to the terrace with the bed spread and some cushions. I somehow managed to set myslelf on the terrace and the cool wind was so pleasing to my whole body, yet I was getting so stressed with the body ache. I turned on the music and played some soft rock and it was soothing my mind for a while. I was wondering why I wasn't feeling sleepy. I was wondering why there isn't anyone to ask me if I had something to eat. But for a moment I thought I really don't need anyone. I've wasted so many weekends doing nothing but this weekend was quite hurting. I wasn't happy at all. I felt like as if I was cursed. I wanted to scream out loud that I'm missing someone, but no strength. My phone was on silent. I didn't wanna bother anyone. I've been breaking other people's privacy fence and i've been ruining their peace with my sulky things. As I was lying down on the cushions, I rested my head to the floor and I was starring at the sky. The breeze was getting firm and I was feeling cold. The music went deep down my head and it got lost in my worries. I was so very weak that I wasn't able to get up and stop the music. I somehow managed to reduce the volume and it was playing " Nothing else matters- Metallica" at the background. I was in depression. As the time went by I realised that the food which I had bought was getting cold but I was too lasy to eat as well, but my stomach was grumbling, I got up and served myself and I somehow finished eating with a lots of difficulties.

I was making myself comfortable to stare at the sky again, by the time the moon wasn't that bright. I was feeling really low and started thinking how far I've come in life. I haven't done anything meaningful except for keeping my folks happy in all the possible ways, but they're still worried about my happiness and I have no idea how i'm gonna full-fill that desire for them.\I lost lot of things in life at a very short span of time & everything seemed like a beautiful little dream. If i knew that it was a dream I would have never got up from that sleep! The moment She left me and the moment I started spending time alone, everything seemed so dark. I was so lost. I've even stared at this sky with her. I've even counted stars under this same sky. I even remember the way I took her here for the first time. She was wearing a purple Salwar and looked so beautiful, I can still see her ripples that used to come on her forehead whenever there was heavy breeze. I still remember the way I helped her climbing the water tank & I can even smell her perfume in this air. I could even sense her presence sometimes in this place. I'm so alone and I'm so sure that I love her so much. I
haven't had this feeling ever before in my life and I'm not bothered about anything else in my life now. All that matters much to me is the name " Aparna" and that person had affected my life so much. Never knew that she would stay with my in my " Memories". I just wanted to see it expanding a bit and mean " Aparna Karthik". I'm sure that I'll do really well in my life if she is around. I'm sure that I wouldn't be able to express my 100% if shez not gonna be around. I would remain a loss to this world. I wanna stand on top & I wanna touch the sky. It seemed so easy & I had to the ability to carry this whole big sky in my arms, but I'm feeling so weak and numb that I'm not able to feel anything! In sometime I realised that I had tears in my eyes and my back was numb. I couldn't move an inch & it was 1:00 am. It was so silent and I slowly got up from the bed. I took my phone & I rolled the bed spread , I starting walking back. Belive it or not I heard her voice calling me " Aksie, Why are you leaving me alone here???" ........... I stopped & I didn't turn back. I wasn't scared, I knew she was there. I knew she was right there with all the cute expressions on her face. I knew she'd run back and hug me so tight. All this would happen in my imaginations!

She is living in my memories. She always will...