April 17, 2009

My imaginary Mind!

How bad it has been, How lonely I've been.. Even though I've spent lonely time umpteen times in my life before, never felt the depth of being alone so much.. I'm not here to complain, I'm here to puke and dust away all the fears and worries that has been choking me every minute. Why am I pushed to such a situation that I'm not able to do anything right. I'm not able to make a decision, really don't know why?! My education is still in question because I've not decided anything. I haven't taken a step ahead to take it anymore further. I'm just stuck here in this BPO and getting paid enough. I know that its gonna do " No good" for my carrier. Last saturday I actually realised that I had no one except for myself. I got back home after a long day and my body was hurting as if I was hammered all over the body. I didn't wanna bother my aunt and granny just knowing the fact that they were growing old. So I thought I'll leave them alone at peace, bought some food for myself & I was finding it so difficult to move myself to the terrace with the bed spread and some cushions. I somehow managed to set myslelf on the terrace and the cool wind was so pleasing to my whole body, yet I was getting so stressed with the body ache. I turned on the music and played some soft rock and it was soothing my mind for a while. I was wondering why I wasn't feeling sleepy. I was wondering why there isn't anyone to ask me if I had something to eat. But for a moment I thought I really don't need anyone. I've wasted so many weekends doing nothing but this weekend was quite hurting. I wasn't happy at all. I felt like as if I was cursed. I wanted to scream out loud that I'm missing someone, but no strength. My phone was on silent. I didn't wanna bother anyone. I've been breaking other people's privacy fence and i've been ruining their peace with my sulky things. As I was lying down on the cushions, I rested my head to the floor and I was starring at the sky. The breeze was getting firm and I was feeling cold. The music went deep down my head and it got lost in my worries. I was so very weak that I wasn't able to get up and stop the music. I somehow managed to reduce the volume and it was playing " Nothing else matters- Metallica" at the background. I was in depression. As the time went by I realised that the food which I had bought was getting cold but I was too lasy to eat as well, but my stomach was grumbling, I got up and served myself and I somehow finished eating with a lots of difficulties.

I was making myself comfortable to stare at the sky again, by the time the moon wasn't that bright. I was feeling really low and started thinking how far I've come in life. I haven't done anything meaningful except for keeping my folks happy in all the possible ways, but they're still worried about my happiness and I have no idea how i'm gonna full-fill that desire for them.\I lost lot of things in life at a very short span of time & everything seemed like a beautiful little dream. If i knew that it was a dream I would have never got up from that sleep! The moment She left me and the moment I started spending time alone, everything seemed so dark. I was so lost. I've even stared at this sky with her. I've even counted stars under this same sky. I even remember the way I took her here for the first time. She was wearing a purple Salwar and looked so beautiful, I can still see her ripples that used to come on her forehead whenever there was heavy breeze. I still remember the way I helped her climbing the water tank & I can even smell her perfume in this air. I could even sense her presence sometimes in this place. I'm so alone and I'm so sure that I love her so much. I
haven't had this feeling ever before in my life and I'm not bothered about anything else in my life now. All that matters much to me is the name " Aparna" and that person had affected my life so much. Never knew that she would stay with my in my " Memories". I just wanted to see it expanding a bit and mean " Aparna Karthik". I'm sure that I'll do really well in my life if she is around. I'm sure that I wouldn't be able to express my 100% if shez not gonna be around. I would remain a loss to this world. I wanna stand on top & I wanna touch the sky. It seemed so easy & I had to the ability to carry this whole big sky in my arms, but I'm feeling so weak and numb that I'm not able to feel anything! In sometime I realised that I had tears in my eyes and my back was numb. I couldn't move an inch & it was 1:00 am. It was so silent and I slowly got up from the bed. I took my phone & I rolled the bed spread , I starting walking back. Belive it or not I heard her voice calling me " Aksie, Why are you leaving me alone here???" ........... I stopped & I didn't turn back. I wasn't scared, I knew she was there. I knew she was right there with all the cute expressions on her face. I knew she'd run back and hug me so tight. All this would happen in my imaginations!

She is living in my memories. She always will...

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